What I Think

As well a spending a couple of years in Technical Support, I also spent a couple of years working the claims line for an insurance company. Like a lot of call centres, there was a huge turnover of staff. There was hardly a week when there wasn’t someone leaving. For most people, their last day consists of taking no calls and just hanging around until lunch time. But that wasn’t good enough for Pat. No, Pat had to go out with a bang.

Being a known bit of a messer and up for anything, one of the girls bet him that he couldn’t work the word “cabbage” into a call. Now being an insurance claim line means that the subject of cabbages doesn’t come up all that often. So this was going to be interesting. Their were a couple of side bets going on trying to guess how Pat would work “cabbage” into the conversation. Among them were:

Isn’t the weather terrible? It’s playing havoc with my cabbage growing endeavours.

I was just about to go for lunch. There’s bacon and cabbage on the menu. I love bacon and cabbage. Don’t you?

No-one was prepared for what he actually did:

Good afternoon. My name is Pat. How can I help you? Cabbage.

And it went on:

I understand that you’ve lost a large amount of money, but your cabbage policy will only cover x amount.

And on:

Yes, your cabbage cheque is in the post. You should have it in a couple of days…..cabbage.

The original bet was for Pat to work “cabbage” into just one call. He was obviously having fun, because he did it for the entire day. One moment he’d be having a perfectly normal conversation and suddenly mid-sentence he throw in the word “cabbage”.

The strange thing is that even though he did this over the course of 60 or 70 calls, not once did a caller pull him on it. Either they didn’t hear him, or their brains told them that there was no way that they’d actually heard the word “cabbage”. As the day progressed, more of the team heard about Pat’s running joke and people were calling by just to listen to him. So on his last day, Pat ended up taking more calls than anyone else. And all because of cabbage.

I wasn’t actually involved in this call, but I was sitting beside the person who was. Let’s call him John. Now John is a lovely guy with a great phone manner and even better technical skills. As far as call centres go, John had it all. Except for one minor flaw: when he was seriously provoked by a caller, he tended to get a bit loud. Loud enough for the entire call centre to hear him.

Now for a bit of background: John had gotten into an argument with the caller about our “scope of support”. For those of you who have had the good luck to have never called a Technical Helpline, I’ll explain what scope of support actually means. When you buy a computer, you get a warranty with the machine. In the vast majority of cases that warranty will explicitly state that the computer will be supported as shipped. Added a new piece of hardware that doesn’t work? Changed the operating system? Third-party software not working? Tough luck, none of it is covered by the warranty. None of those items shipped with the computer, so it’s not something that the helpline will help you with.

Scope of support can also mean that the helpline will troubleshoot faults with the computer only. In other words, they won’t teach you how to use your brand new piece of kit. You want to learn about computers? Take a night course, or learn the hard way – teach yourself.

So back to the story, the caller wanted John to teach her how to use a piece of software that came with the computer. As required by the “scope of support”, John referred her back to the manual. Of course, she was having none of it. Twenty minutes later, and they were still arguing about it, when this happened:

As I said ma’am, I cannot teach you how to use your computer.

<Caller responds>

There’s a full manual for that program and you should read it. I’ve explained this several times now, and at this stage I’m just repeating myself. I am not going to repeat my self again. Thank you for…

<click>

I don’t believe it. She hung up on me. She actually hung up on me! I’ll show her.

<John rings her back>

Hello there. This is John from Technical Support, I was just talking to you about a query you had about your computer?

<Caller responds, obviously thinks that John has called back to help her>

No, I’m not calling you to teach how to use that program. I already spent over 20 minutes explaining why I can’t so that. The reason I’m calling is that you hung up on me. That was an extremely rude thing to do. So, lets see how you feel when I hang up on you.

<click>

That’ll teach her!

John sat there with a satisfied grin on his face for about 30 seconds. That was until he got a tap on the shoulder from the Account Manager who just growled, “Office. Now”.

In fairness to John he came out about 10 minutes later, sat down and shrugged his shoulders, “Written warning”, followed by a cheeky grin and “It was worth it!”.

<brring, brrring>

Thank you for calling technical support. My name is Paul, can I have your serial number please?

What computer? I’m calling about my microwave.

I’m sorry sir, but this is a computer technical support line. We don’t deal with microwaves. I suggest you contact the helpline for the maker of your microwave. Thank you for calling. Good…

Hold on a second. I just bought this microwave and the number I called is at the bottom of the invoice. This is the proper number and I want you to fix my microwave.

As I just explained to you sir, this number is for computer repairs, not microwave repairs. I don’t know anything about microwaves. You will have to contact the manufacturer of the microwave. I cannot do anything for you.

That’s not good enough. I want to speak to someone who does know about my microwave.

Sir, there is nobody in this building that repairs, or deals with microwaves. There is no-one here that can help you. Please contact the retailer for the correct number to contact.

I got this number from the shop where I bought this damned microwave. Now fix it.

I’m sorry sir, but they gave you the wrong number. Neither I or any of my colleagues can help you. Please contact the retailer for the correct number.

(Shouting) I’ve called three different numbers already about this bloody microwave, and I am not calling anyone else. Now tell me what to do to fix this bloody microwave, or I’ll come over there and throw it through your office door.

Sir, firstly there is no need to shout at me, I can hear you perfectly well. Secondly, you do realise that I’m based in Ireland and not in the UK? Even still, there is no need to threaten me. As a gesture of goodwill, I’ll do my best to apply my in-depth knowledge of a completely unrelated device to your problem.

About bloody time.

Ok sir, does your microwave have a Start button?

Yes it does.

Can you press it for me?

<There’s a ding from the microwave.>

Sounds fine to me. Good luck with your microwave.

<click>

<brrring, brrring>

Thank you for calling technical support. My name is Paul, can I have your serial number please?

I don’t have a serial number. I just bought my computer.

In that case I’ll get you registered and then I’ll answer any questions that you have. First, can you call out the serial number from the back of your computer?

That’s why I’m ringing. I need your help to open the box.

<silence>

You’re ringing because you can’t open the box that your computer came in?

Yes.

It’s a cardboard box.

That’s right.

You can’t open a box and you want me to help you?

Please.

Right.

<10 minutes later>

Thanks for calling technical support, my name is….

Now, how do I turn it on…

<click>